Fast Times at the Road House
by Derpingjay
Summary: AU. Follow your favourite teenage Freelancer as they terrorize the patron of the Nobble Burger Roadhouse. Rated M because.


Fast Times at the Roadhouse

**A/N: This is a collaborative project between CobaltCrayon and Dirty Reid (we are a brother and sister pair, shuddup.) This spawned from a conversation over dinner, so read at your own risk. **

**Disclaimer: We are not Bungie or RoosterTeeth. We own nothing. For now…**

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><p><span>Chapter One<span>

The Staff

Just outside of Salem, New York, not too far from the suburbs there is a small diner. It's called the Nobble Burger Roadhouse. Despite it's claim otherwise, it is still just a diner. It's nothing fancy; average look, average food, average everything. It's not known for it's famous clientele, or any sort of contribution to society. It's just a diner.

Its staff members are a whole different story.

Nowhere else in the world will you find such a rogue gallery. More than a few customers have left gasping for air or green around the gills as apposed to full. But they keep coming back because that's part of the Nobble Burger's charm.

The first member of the staff is David Humphrey Washington-Cummings. With an embarrassing middle name and double-barreled surname like that, you know he sleeps on a bed made of Benjamins. David is a waiter and like the legendary Tyler Durden, is _the_ guerilla terrorist of the food service industry. With wits like a sword and a tongue that stings worse than a bull whip, not to mention being a star football player, David is not someone whose bad side you want to be on. David's parents are bible-thumpers; not your garden-variety Christians. Abstinence before marriage, no drinking or drugs, mass every Sunday; you name it, they abide by it. That's probably why David is the way he is. David, for all intents and purposes, is a football playing sex train. No human with a pair of X chromosomes is safe from his advances. Said advances are why David has several dozen notches on his bedposts. His parents are oblivious to his sexual conquests, just as they are unaware of the booze he hides behind his trophy shelf. He's not just nasty in the bedroom either. If you irritate him at work, you're liable to have spit in your eggs, piss in your soup, or sperm in your salad. And may the Lord have mercy if you're an attractive female sitting down with your boyfriend for dinner. Even if he annoys you to no end, David Humphrey Washington-Cummings is the man to be.

The man on the prep team is James Yorkshire. Most people just call him "York". If there was ever a more down-to-earth individual, only God knows their name. York is reliable, hard working and easy on the eyes. With his sandy blonde hair and grey eyes, he could have any girl he wanted…after his best friend David takes his pick. But to many a woman's sorrow, York has been going steady for five years and his relationship shows no sign of ending soon. One of York's reasons for working at the Nobble Burger is acquiring the necessary funds to propose to and later marry his girlfriend. He tolerates David's jokes and barbs about it because he knows his friend respects his romantic choices.

The next waiter who doubles as a fry cook is a real piece of work. His name is Jonathan Hopkins but he prefers to be called Johnny. He is sometimes referred to as North because his fraternal twin sister has a personality the polar opposite of his own. The easiest way to describe Johnny is "a walking grow-op". He is rarely seen outside of work without a joint in his mouth. Occasionally, he'll have one while he's _at _work. The boss doesn't fire him because he can't be bothered to find a replacement. York speculates that the boss buys off Johnny. As if he didn't seem Rastafarian enough (aside from being white) Johnny used to have blonde dreadlocks before he started working at Nobble Burger; the boss made him shave them off. Like David, Johnny comes from old money. The reason he smokes so much dope is unclear, although it's speculated that his mother was smoking it during the pregnancy and passed on that trait to him. Johnny is always good for a laugh and a couple of grams too.

See that blonde girl hunched over the sink? That's Daphne Hopkins, the South to Johnny's North. She's also his twin sister. Where Johnny is laid back and friendly, Daphne is sullen and hostile. She is the definition of a rebellious teenager; piercings, tattoos, the whole nine yards. She proclaims herself "scene". She began travelling down this road because of her parent's obsessive desire for her to plan out her future in a way they find acceptable. Sadly, artist does not fit that profile. When a temper tantrum didn't work, she started using her money to become what she is today. Nobody knows how Daphne got her job at the diner or how she is able to keep it with her raging temper. The threat of disownment is a popular theory.

The diner's second fry cook is Bruce Bowman. Originally from the state of Maine, he is nicknamed as such. He looks more like a bouncer than someone slaving over a basin of fried food. When he does speak, it's in a raspy grumble, never a normal tone. Nobody asks why and he doesn't tell. He's not the most social being on the planet either. In spite of that, he's occasionally seen with Johnny around the back lighting up a fatty behind the dumpster.

The other waitress and prep team member is Carrietta Thibodeau, recently from South Carolina. This perpetually happy, brown haired willow tree is York's steady girl. Even the foulest of customers can't stop her singing and dancing throughout the day. Like York, she too is working in order to acquire enough money to get married. She's something of a free spirit and the subject of many of David's masturbatory fantasies.

The skinny black guy over there is the boss. He goes by LeRoyce Jenkins. He's almost as big a dick as the one in David's pants. He tries to run a tight ship, but his employees just don't listen. Despite that, he doesn't fire them because he knows they're good at what they do, David's crimes against food aside. His soothing voice belies his ability to chew out anybody he desires.

It's this rag-tag group of misfits that make the tales of the Nobble Burger Roadhouse so memorable.

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><p><strong>AN: That's a wrap for chapter one of Fast Times at the Roadhouse. **

**Character dossier: **

**David Humphrey Washington-Cummings- Agent Washington**

**James Yorkshire- Agent New York**

**Jonathan Hopkins- Agent North Dakota**

**Daphne Hopkins- Agent South Dakota**

**Bruce Bowman- Agent Maine/the Meta**

**Carrietta Thibodeau- Agent Carolina**

**LeRoyce Jenkins- Freelancer Councilor**

**Cookies to anyone who gets the LeRoyce Jenkins reference. **

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**Until next time, **

**~CC and DR (The Brother and Sister Duo)**


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